IDK, My BFF Is Better Than Yours!
by whitnibble
Summary: When Emmett and Aro become best friends, Edward becomes jealous and stakes a claim on Seth, which leads to a string of jealousy...ultimately leading to a BFF battle involving all the Cullens and their BFFS.
1. Of Cats And Pancakes

**disclaimer: i dreamt i was stephenie meyer last night. then i woke up and remembered im not.**

"Emmett." groaned Esme, "What were you possibly thinking?"

Emmett pouted. "Jasper told me…"

"Haven't you learned better than to listen to Jasper? He's the one that told you you needed to put sand in your pockets or you'd float to the moon. He's the one who told you you had to scream 'kumquat' once an hour, on the hour, or you'd be eaten by the boogieman. He's the one who told you if you flushed every toilet in the house at the same time you'd see the Easter bunny. He's the one-"

"Wait," said Emmett, "You mean he lied? You won't see the Easter Bunny if you do that?"

Esme sighed and shook her head. Jasper cracked up. Esme turned and glared at him. " Don't think you're not in trouble mister! Why in the world would you tell him Mr. Brown down the street was an evil dentist who ate kitty cats for breakfast?"

Jasper shrugged. "How was I supposed to know he was going to attack him dressed up like Cat Woman?"

Esme rubbed her temples. "Emmett, go take the kittens back to the pet store. Jasper, go to your room, think about the next thing you're going to say to Emmett, then don't say it."

Jasper nodded and headed up stairs. Emmett walked over to the box he'd set on the table full of kittens.

"It was good fighting with you my loyal subjects." whispered Emmett to the kittens. "And don't worry about the scary lady, we'll see each other again. Be on the lookout for the cat sign." he sighed and pulled one of the kittens out. "Except you." he said. "I'll set you free. Be safe Mucherkins Icklebottom Pikalicious." then he bit the kitten, and set it outside as the venom leaked into the poor kitten's system. He hummed Miley Cyrus tunes to himself as he set off for the pets store.

"IM GONNA START ALL OVER!" he screamed at some old woman who happened to be walking by.

"NO!" she screamed, took her purse, and beat him over the head. "YEAH, HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW SONNY?"

Emmett looked behind her, pointed, and screamed, "OMC IS THAT HALF PRICE ON PRUNE WHIP??"

"WHERE?" screamed the woman, hobbling off in the direction he'd pointed.

"Phew." he said. He continued skipping into the sunset.

"OMC!" screamed some girl who was randomly walking by. "Those are the cutest kittens I've ever seen!"

"Yo mamma!" screamed Emmett.

"YO FACE!" the girl screamed back.

"Take that back!" he gasped, snapping his fingers in a Z formation. "Do I even know you?"

"Yeah," the girl said, sounding confused, "I'm Jessica, and I go to your high school, remember?"

"…"

"…"

"YO MAMMA!" and Emmett continued with his skipping.

Finally, Emmett got to the outside of the pet store. "This is where I leave you friends." He sniffed.

"Hey Emmett!" said Mike Newton, walking by. "How's it going man?"

"Here Mike!" Emmett said through his non- existent tears, "Take this into the pet store for me. Before I lose it big time." He let out a sob.

Mike gave him a strange look but took the box into the store. Emmett sat down on the step and started to cry, ignoring the shouts of, "THERE'S THE CAT ROBBER! GET HIM!" coming from inside.

He sniffed. "I really need to get new friends." and then he went home to force Jasper to wallow in depression with him.

**Back With The Volturi…**

"Aro!" said Caius, sounding angry. "Does someone need another timeout?"

Aro started to weep non-existent tears. "NO! Not the chair! I promise I won't do it again!"

Demetri sighed. "How many times must we tell you Aro? You can't eat Alec."

"But he looks so tasty!" whined Aro. "Like a giant pancake!"

"Aro," said Felix in amusement, "Alec looks nothing like a pancake."

"I KNOW!" wailed Aro, beating his fists on the floor, "But it's been so long since I had one!"

"That's it!" said Caius finally. "You're grounded!"

Aro seemed to ponder this. "I'm grounded in the castle?"

"No, we can't scar Alec for life like that." Caius shook his head. "You're grounded to Forks, to stay with Carlisle until we come get you."

"YAY!" cheered Aro, "FIELD TRIP!"

Caius rubbed his temples. "Go pack your bags." He didn't look up until he could hear Aro skipping down the hall to his room.

"Master?" asked Jane.

"Yes?"

"We're not coming back for him are we?"

"Maybe Jane, I don't know." Caius sighed. "It depends on how much damage he does to Forks."

"Who's going to escort him to Forks?" asked Felix. Suddenly, everyone turned to look at him. "Oh no." he said. "There is no way that I would ever-"

"I'll save you a fat tourist…" offered Heidi.

"I'll let you sit on Aro's chair…" offered Caius.

"I won't torture you till you lose your voice from screaming." said Jane sweetly.

"You drive a hard bargain Jane," said Felix nervously. "I'm in."

Jane smiled and turned to find her brother. "I knew you'd see it my way Felix."

He smiled at her back and then broke into a run before she changed her mind. Vampires don't lose their voices.

"Aro?" he asked as he stuck his head through Aro's door.

"The piggy goes Oink, Oink. The doggy goes Bark, Bark. NO DORA! SWIPER IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU! Now, do I take my pink skinny jeans or my lime green ones?" then he turned and saw Felix. His face darkened. "You didn't see anything."

"Yes sir!" said Felix nervously. "Are you ready to go?"

"OKEY DOKEY!" Aro squealed. "SHOTGUN!" and he ran out of the room. Felix groaned, grabbed Aro's suitcase, and cursed the world, evil dictators, skinny jeans, and little angelic girls.

He sat in the driver's seat and started the car. "You want to listen to the radio Aro?" he asked hoping to distract him for the ride. Aro was already twiddling the dials.

"OH I LOVE THIS SONG!" he squealed. He started to sing along. Felix hadn't realized what song was on the radio until- "I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT! THE TASTE OF HER CHERRY CHAPSTICK! I KISSED A GIRL JUST TO TRY IT! HOPE MY BOYFRIEND DON'T MIND IT!" Felix groaned and hoped Alec was enjoying his freedom. Because Felix was going to murder him the second he got home. He looked over at Aro, who was now attempting the Macarena in the car. The very second.


	2. Aro and Emmett: BFFS!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Chips Ahoy!, or High School Musical. I do own Crazy Purse Woman, but I'm willing to auction her off.**

"IM SO SORRY MA'AM!" screamed Felix to someone behind him. "But really, there was no need for violence."

Aro whimpered. "That woman…purse…nightmares…"

Felix sighed. "People in Forks are so unfriendly. But Aro, I wouldn't suggest running up to people and announcing that you are John Lennon back from the dead. Apparently people in Forks don't like that."

Aro sighed. "So unfriendly."

"OMC!" screamed a voice. "Aro, is that you?"

"Emmett?" he squealed, "OMC, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN AGES!"

"I'm just gonna walk away," said Felix, backing away. "Take care of him Emmett."

"OMC, ARO!" Emmett clapped. "THERE IS A GOD! HE ANSWERED MY PRAYERS FOR FRIENDS!"

"Let's go do stuff!" Aro cheered.

"Like what?" asked Emmett.

"THERE HE IS! GET THEM!" screamed an old lady.

"OMC!" Emmett and Aro screamed in unison, "CRAZY PURSE WOMAN!"

"Shall we run?" asked Aro politely.

"After you." offered Emmett. And then they ran for their lives.

**Some Time After the Encounter…**

"Look!" Emmett squealed. "HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL BAND AIDS!"

"FERB!" screamed Aro, "I KNOW WHAT WERE GONNA DO TODAY!"

"What?" said Emmet.

"Were gonna put on a play!"

"Good idea!" Emmett agreed. "Were gonna need to write a script, and get some actors…"

"And some Chips Ahoy!"

"Why?" asked Emmett.

"Because they're delicious!"

"True dat my brother. True dat."

Mike Newton happened to be walking by, and he turned to look at them. "You guys can eat Chips Ahoy!?" he asked.

"HES ON TO US! GET HIM!" screamed Emmett, and they proceeded to beat Mike to a pulp.

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE ANOREXIC!" sobbed Mike.

"Oh, is that it?" asked Emmett, "Never mind Aro. He doesn't know squat."

"You're covered in boo boos!" said Aro, frowning. "Thank goodness for High School Musical Band Aids."

"What?" screamed Mike as they advanced toward him with a box of High School Musical Band Aids. "NOOOOOO! Oh wait, this one has Troy on it! YAY!"

"So," said Aro, after they had turned Mike into a High School Musical Mummy, "Weren't we supposed to be doing something?"

"Oh yea," frowned Emmett. "I think it was important."

"CHIPS AHOY!" screamed Aro. "I WIN!"

"CURSE YOU!" screamed back Emmett. "Well let's had to Wal-Mart and get some Chips Ahoy then."

"Umm, sir?" asked a young employee, who had acne on his face.

"OMC, A LEPER!" screamed Aro.

"No, Aro, that's what happens to teenage humans."

"Oh…." said Aro. "Well how can we help you young man?"

"Well, I heard you saying you were going to Wal-Mart, and I thought I should remind you that you are at Wal-Mart."

"Man, we got here fast!" laughed Emmett.

"Yes!" said Aro. "Now to find the Chips Ahoy! Tell me, young citizen, where we might find the Ahoy comma chips."

"Well, there in isle-"

"TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER!" screamed Emmett, pointing a hair dryer at the employee's head.

"Where'd you get the hair dryer?" asked Aro curiously.

"Rosalie says everyone should carry a hair dryer with them at all times."

"I see. It came in useful."

"Yeah!" agreed Emmett. "She said curling irons come in handy too, but I haven't had time to get one."

"Well lets get one right now!" said Aro. Then they skipped off into the hair care isle.

The poor employee fell to the floor. "I DON'T GET PAYED ENOUGH FOR THIS!" he sobbed.

**Back In the Hair Care Section…**

"And that's why you should never put gum in a flugelhorn." said Aro wisely.

"Wow." said Emmett in awe, "I would have never have thought of that."

"Emmett?" Bella asked, walking up to him. "What are you doing in the hair care section?" then she saw Aro.

Aro frowned. "Hmmm. Last time I saw you didn't I make you promise something?" he eyed her up and down. Then he narrowed his eyes. "Didn't you promise me you were gonna get blue highlights?"

"Oh yes!" said Bella in relief. "That's why I'm in the Hair Product Section, I'm looking for blue dye."

"I see." said Aro, satisfied. "Ok. We won't bother you."

"I know!" said Emmett. "Alice would love to die your hair for you!" and Emmett picked up Bella like a sack of potatoes. "Let's go home."

And he and Aro started running home.

**Back With the Cullens…**

"Hey everyone!" screamed Emmett when they reached the Cullen's. "LOOK WHO CAME TO VISIT!"

"Aro?" Edward said in horror. Then he noticed Bella. "There is a perfectly good reason why Bella…."

Aro held his hand up. "Not to worry Edward." he said. "Bella has agreed to get blue highlights today. Which is the reason why we are here! Now where is Alice?"

"Right here!" screamed Alice happily, sliding down the banister. "LET'S GO BELLA! YOU'RE GONNA BE GORGEOUS WHEN I'M DONE WITH YOU!"

Emmett handed Bella to Alice and then turned to Aro. "Want to go bungee jumping?"

"Totally!" said Aro. "Peace out homie G gangster skillets! Be back whenever!"

"Wait!" gasper Edward. "EMMETT, YOU ALWAYS SAID YOU WANTED TO GO BUNGEE JUMPING WITH ME!"

Emmett shrugged. "Plans change, little brother. Maybe it's time you got some new friends!" then he turned to Aro. "Let's go BFF!" And then they left.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" moaned Edward. "I'VE LOST MY BFF!" he started to laugh manically. "YOU'LL RUE THE DAY YOU REPLACED ME EMMETT! YOU'LL RUE IT!" and then he pulled out his cell phone and called Seth. "Hey Seth!" he said cheerfully. "Got any plans today?"

"Nah." said Seth. "Just some crazy werewolf voo doo ritual or something."

Edward grinned evilly. "Now you do. Can you say slumber party?"

"Sure!" said Seth. "I'll bring the kettle corn!" then he paused. "Oh. Sorry."

Edward frowned. "You can bring kettle corn but I get to pick the movie."

"Fine," said Seth. "It was Leah's night for the remote anyway."

**a/n: I liked this chapter much better. Review? Please? Tell me whether to continue or burn this and pretend it never happened.**


	3. Edward And Seth: BFFS!

**Back At the Clearwater's…**

"Hey Seth!" called Leah from upstairs. "Ready to go to this weird crazy werewolf voo doo thing?"

"Nah." he said. "I'm going to a sleepover."

"Are you bringing kettle corn?"

"Of course!"

"Okay." nodded Leah. "Have fun."

**Back At the Cullen's…**

"SETH!" cried Edward as he flung the door open.

"No Edward, this is Rosalie. Listen, have you seen Emm-"

"DON'T CARE!" shouted Edward as he slammed the door in her face. The doorbell rang. "Go away Rosalie!"

"It's Seth!"

Edward flung the door open. "SETH! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I CALLED YOU 10 MINUTES AGO!"

Seth looked at him in surprise. "I was making kettle corn."

"DON'T EVER LEAVE ME OKAY?" Edward pulled Seth into a bone crushing hug.

"SETH!" screamed Jasper, feeling Edward's emotions. He hugged Seth too. "I WAS AFRAID I WAS GOING TO LOSE YOU!"

Alice walked down the stairs. "Hey Seth."

"There's so much love in this house…" gasped Seth.

"BACK OFF JASPER!" snarled Edward. "GET YOUR OWN BFF!"

Jasper started to cry. "WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS LEAVE ME?" and the he ran up stairs sobbing.

"So guess what movie I picked!" said Edward in excitement.

"Umm…The Phantom of the Opera?"

"NO SILLY!" said Edward. "10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU!"

"Funny," said Seth, "Leah always picks that movie too."

Edward looked worried. "Does that bother you? Should we watch something else?"

"No," said Seth. "It's all good, Heath Ledger is in it."

"YAY!" squealed Edward. "SLUMBER PARTY!"

"Wait," said Seth. "How can we have a sleep over if you don't sleep?"

Edward snorted. "You thought we were actually going to sleep?" He noticed the look on Seth's face. "Don't worry, we'll get you jacked up on Monster or something."

Seth's eyes widened. "WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?"

**Later That Evening…**

"And then we jumped and it was all KAPOW!" said Emmett happily.

"I know!" said Aro. "And then the guy was all, 'you guys need bungee cords!'"

"And we were all, 'your mamma!'"

"That was the pimp shizzle." nodded Aro.

"So what next?" asked Emmett.

"Hmmm." thought Aro. "We could go to McDonald's and have a pokemon battle."

"Sounds good." nodded Emmett. "Let's just stop off at home so I can get my poke balls."

Emmett unlocked the door and gasped. "GASP!"

"GASP!"

"LE GASP!"

"EDWARD!" said Emmett.

"EMMETT!"

"EDWARD!"

"EMMETT!"

"ARO!" said Aro happily. "What game are we playing?"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES!" said Emmett.

"BETTER BELIEVE IT!" said Edward.

"YOU'RE WATCHING HEATH LEDGER WITH SOMEONE ELSE? THAT'S OUR BONDING THING!"

"DEAL!"

"Well this is awkward," said Seth. He looked at Aro. "I'm Seth."

"I'm Aro."

"DON'T TALK TO HIM ARO!" shouted Emmett. "He's friends with that TRAITOR!"

"DON'T TALK TO HIM SETH!" shouted Edward. "He's a mean, nasty, BEST FRIEND STEALER!"

"Guys," said Aro wisely, "You can have more than one BFF."

"SHUT UP ARO!" snapped Emmett.

"NOBODY CARES ABOUT MY FEELINGS!" Aro wailed, and he turned and ran up stairs. "JASPER WILL UNDERSTAND!"

"NO!" shouted Emmett, running after him, "WAIT FOR ME!"

Seth cleared his throat. "Maybe I should call Leah and go home."

Edward looked grumpy. "Go ahead."

"Okay." He went to the phone and dialed his house.

"Clearwater Residence."

"Leah?" asked Seth. "Can you come pick me up?"

"Hmmm." said Leah. "Where are you? I thought you had a sleepover?"

"I did. Ummm, it's over now. I'm at the Cullen's."

"WHAT?" she screeched. "WHY?"

"Me and Edward are BFFS."

"WHAT?" she screamed. "WHEN?"

"Today I guess."

"WHAT?" she shouted. "WHERE?"

"At the sleepover."

"WHAT?" she hollered. "HOW?"

"I dunno. He just said so."

"WHAT?" she said loudly.

"LEAH!"

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BFF!"

"Leah, Leah, Leah." Seth said, shaking his head. "People drift apart. Maybe it's time you found some new friends."

"YOU'LL RUE THE DAY YOU REPLACED ME!" she wailed. "YOU'L RUE IT!" then there was some maniacal laughter and she hung up.

"Wait!" cried Seth. "Who's gonna take me home?" he walked back into the living room.

"Is she coming?" asked Edward.

"I dunno…" said Seth. "I guess I'll just run home then."

"Okay."

**Back at the Clearwater's…**

The doorbell rang, and Leah jumped up to answer it.

"Hi," said Rosalie, "You might not know me, but my brother is apparently waiting for you brother and I was wondering- WAIT WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?"

For Leah was now grinning evilly.

* * *

**a/n: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! You guys are so wonderful! DRAMA, DRAMA! What happens next? REVIEW and I'll tell you!**


	4. Leah and Rosalie: BFFS!

****

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Sadly.

**Back at the Mall...**

"So you think that we should become BFFS to make our brother's jealous?" asked Rosalie stupidly.

"Umm, yeah." said Leah, oozing duh. "That's what I just spent half an hour explaining." Leah rolled her eyes. "Boy, when they talk about dumb blondes they sure aren't kidding."

Rosalie glared at Leah. "But we hate each other."

"Isn't that the basis of all good alliances?" asked Leah. "You know, keep your friends close but your enemies closer?"

Rosalie raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure you're not over- reacting?" Rosalie gave Leah a tiny smile. "I'm sure your brother is still your best friend."

Leah rolled her eyes. "Let me show you something." she grabbed Rosalie's arm and led her to Limited Too. They both looked into the store.

"OMC!" cried Emmett, "Look Aro, they have a whole wall dedicated to High School Musical!"

"OMC!" called back Aro, "Look over here Emmett, they have a whole wall dedicated to Pirates of the Caribbean!"

Emmett squealed like a fan girl and ran over.

"Excuse me sirs," called the exasperated lady up front, "We'd appreciate it if you wouldn't eat those!"

"You see?" said Leah darkly.

"That's my husband…" moaned Rosalie. "Why did I marry such an idiot?"

"There there," said Leah sympathetically. "That's not the worst of it. Let me show you what this has done to my family." Leah pulled Rosalie over to Target.

"Look over here Seth!" called Edward enthusiastically. "It's the boxed set of Ugly Betty!"

Seth came running. "OMC, WHERE?"

Leah shook her head. "He used to hide the fact he watched Ugly Betty."

Rosalie snickered. "Your brother watches Ugly Betty?"

Leah glared. "So does yours! And at least my husband doesn't obsess over High School Musical."

"At least I have a husband." fired back Rosalie.

Leah glared. Then she broke into a smile. "Not bad. Not bad at all."

"Yeah," agreed Rosalie, "You've got spunk kid."

"I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship."

Rosalie linked arms with Leah. "So what should we do buddy?"

"We should go shopping." Leah said. "Isn't that what BFFS do?"

"Well I don't know," said Rosalie honestly, "I've never had one."

Leah frowned. "I had one once…a long time ago…" she furrowed her brow and concentrated. "I think I had lots of friends…but then I started dating Sam…and they stopped calling…where are they?" then she turned and saw Rosalie. "Can I help you?"

"You know what?" said Rosalie awkwardly, "Let's just go." she started pulling Leah into the nearest store. "Note to self," she murmured quietly, "don't bring up past with Leah."

"Can I help you?" asked the lady at the front of the store.

"Oh, no thanks," said Rosalie with a pretty smile. She turned to Leah, who was almost as red as Bella. "What's wrong with you?"

Leah whimpered and pointed ahead of them. Rosalie's jaw dropped. She'd pulled Leah into Victoria's Secret. She unlinked her arm from Leah's.

"Well this is awkward." said Rosalie.

"Yeah…" said Leah. "Let's leave." She turned to go and ran head first into Sam.

"Oh, I'm so- LEAH?" he asked in horror.

"Sam, what are you doing here?" she looked over his shoulder to see a mortified Emily. Rosalie started to crack up.

"You didn't see anything." said Sam in his alpha voice.

"Of course not." said Leah. "Well we'll leave you in peace." she grabbed Rosalie and walked away from him.

"You're just gonna let him go?" asked Rosalie in disappointment.

Leah pulled out her camera phone and started snapping pictures of Sam and Emily. She turned to wink at Rosalie. "I didn't see anything."

Rosalie grinned evilly. "Nice."

"So where to next?" asked Leah, pulling Rosalie out of the store. At that same moment, Edward and Seth came out of Target, and Emmett and Aro came out of Limited Too (with a ton of bags of course).

Seth gasped. "LEAH!"

"SETH!" she sneered back.

"ROSALIE!" hollered Emmett.

"EMMETT!" hollered Edward.

"EDWARD!" snarled Rosalie.

"ARO!" said Aro happily. "Are we still playing this game?"

"You hate vampires Leah!" said Seth sadly.

"I don't." Leah said defiantly. "Me and Rosalie are BFFS."

"Oh yeah?" pouted Emmett. "What's her favorite color?"

Leah guessed the first color that came to mind. "RED!"

"NO IT'S NOT!" said Emmett, sticking his tongue out, "IT'S BLUE!"

"Emmett," said Edward in exasperation, "It is red."

"Oh," said Emmett. "Well, I'm prettier!"

"Yeah," smirked Seth, "You're so pretty, and witty, and GAY."

"Hey!" snapped Edward. "Don't you talk to him like that!"

"Hey!" snapped Leah, "DON'T YELL AT MY BROTHER!"

Edward glared at her. "YOUR FACE!"

"YOUR MAMMA!"

There was a deadly silence. "Oh no she didn't." said Edward, snapping his fingers in a Z formation. "YOU WANNA TRY THAT AGAIN BIZNATCH?!"

"Break it up!" shouted Rosalie, coming between them and holding them apart.

"I know a song that get's on everybody's nerves…" sang Aro in the background.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" shouted the onlookers of the mall.

Out of nowhere, Alice walked out of Hot Topic and gasped. She ran over to Rosalie and slapped her.

"I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR BFF!" she wailed.

Everyone stopped fighting for a second. Rosalie sighed and put her hand on Alice's shoulder. "That's Hollywood for you."

"WE DON'T LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD!" Alice cried. "WE LIVE IN FORKS!" her eye twitched, and she glared at Rosalie. "YOU'LL RUE THE DAY YOU REPLACED ME, YOU'LL RUE IT!" and she laughed maniacally. As everyone walked away from her, and the crowd started to leave, Alice pulled out her phone. "Bella?" she asked softly. "Get ready. I'll be there in 5." and she started to laugh again as she hung up.

* * *

**a/n: So I knew this chapter was going to be a little harder because unlike Emmett and Aro, Rosalie and Leah can't just be random. And neither of them are crazed phycopaths like Alice and Edward or emo like Jasper. So I had them get in the funniest non- random situation I could think of...having them meet up with Sam and Emily in Victoria's Secret. I wish I could have made that part longer but this story is rated K. :) REVIEW!**


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